Well Hot Argentine Summer

Oh, Argentinians. Will thou ever cease to amaze me. You have taught me so well how little effort is necessary for a state to exist. For that I must thank you. Political scientists of the world, drop what you're doing and please shuttle yourselves down here immediately. The books must be rewritten! Retire Hobbes and let's work our way up from Aristotelian enumeration. If Tristan Tzara had written a country, it would be Argentina.

After Christmas, my family, joined me in Pinamar, where Argentinians summer. Even though the topic of conversation was to be my prolonged absence from the states it became clear that the only possible course of action was ethnographic study.

In Pinamar the Argentine mid to high class throws what little social norms they mimic to the wind and drive ATVs like maniacs to wide windy beaches. The men sport third world chieftain bellies and black moustaches. Women show off their carefully sculpted (by a plastic surgeon) bodies wearing the minimalist expression of a bikini. Needless to say I was perplexed by this practice and observed it in detail to further human understanding of the universe.

They soak in the sun all day trying to attain a purplish brown complexion. Around midnight Argies abandon their attempts to treat third degree sunburns and flood parrillas and other eateries. Reinvigorated they start dancing around 2:30AM.

"Danceen's da wrk aw da, Deveel, buoy. Doncha go trustn' no danceen man. Ah reckn' he's a gawna try n' poke ya in da rear." Rang Charley's words reason for which I kept my distance from men. Women seemed to keep their distance from me on their own, making my work half as hard.

After risking our necks in this 'Lord of the Fliesque' setting we took our chances on Argentina's highways. I never knew a 1960 Ford Falcon could reach such speeds, though at the cost of what seemed like bone shattering vibration. Back in Buenos Aires my family caught the first flight out of this land. They abandoned their attempt to identify the forces gaving cohesion to this state.

I was alone once again until old pals from the yacht racing world invited me to the Rolex South Atlantic Circuit. Apparently if there is something that Argies like more than creating new laws to break them, it is to buy a Rolex to have it stolen. Again to Punta del Este with an Argentine crew? Nay I say! After my Pinamar experience rest was imperative. These swashbuckling argies wouldn't take no for an answer and abducted me in hopes that I would share America's sailing secrets. Their disappointment was short lived. If the last crew I joined to Punta del Este was odd, this was straight out of The Black Pirate (1926), I, of course, was Douglas Fairbanks' character. This is footage from the regatta

Punta del Este was in full swing. There seemed to be a linear relationship between the money women spent on their appearance and their expediency to discard my attempts at conversation. Attempts which were entirely for anthropological purposes. I blame some of my crewmen. Despite the fact that their antics were sometimes humorous, their notorious eagerness to express affection to these highly produced females seemed excessive. One of them memorably insisted in throwing his lips at them. A couple of close calls with boyfriends only seemed to convince him that this method was working.

Alas, I could not take this savagery any longer and attempted to return to my port of call by bus and then ferry. Of course nothing is that simple in the River Plate. I reached the terminal with my bag of gear and two of my crewmen only to find the bus driver cripplingly inebriated. One of my companions hypothesized that kicks to the ribs would sober the man up, a notion which I sternly, but fruitlessly refuted. Eventually after a dialogue with the local sheriff, my primal friend was pardoned and a less drunk driver was produced. In all this confusion my ship's coxswain exploited these shows of brutishness to attract a couple of females. They were puzzlingly attracted by these posturing and chest bumping so we were favored with their contact information.

All in all I think this was a valuable experience. I am no closer to justify the peoples of the southern cone, but at least my understanding and ability to mimic their behavior in order to get around is vastly improved.

I bid you fair well until my next account.